September 27, 2020

OMG Shards!!!

Agents, it’s time to panic.

Following a tragic bus accident, Hank Johnson’s rear end has been shattered and spread throughout the portal network. Both factions must work together to make it whole by making links to bring all the artifacts to a pair of portals.

Intelligence suggests that shards will only move between portals that are exactly level 7 (not 6 or 8) and all mod slots must contain force amps or turrets to achieve the desired result. A shard will only move if there are at least 2 links originating from the portal containing the shard of a minimum length of 200km.

Shard jumps will occur only at 2am and 6am local time.

If you fail to bring Hank’s shards together, portal decay will increase to 50% every 12 hours. If you succeed in bringing at least 75% of the shards to one target, portal decay will suspend indenfinately, but randomly increase to 35% whenever the gamemasters get bored.

Your progress will be revealed on Myspace.

Please note this piece is satire. Any resemblance to a real shard event is purely coincidental.

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